As Valentine's Day rolls around once more, we're all compelled to go out buy gaudy gifts full of sickly sentiments for that special someone you've either already reeled in, or the one that you've been stalking on Facebook for weeks. Teddy bear that says "I wuv woo" when you squeeze its nads? The epitome of love. This time of year draws out the desperation inside us all, when we hope and pray and beg to every deity that we might get laid ? either at a cheesy (but actually horrendously depressing) club night, or after the overpriced set menu at your local curry house. Whatever your tactic, whatever your go-to 'game plan', you better make sure the mood is exactly right when you both slink into the bedroom: strawberry scented candles ? check, rose petals ? check, super sexy filthy-time playlist? Double check. You can never fail with Barry White and Marvin Gaye; they've long been aural aphrodisiacs, ensuring the night-time naughties are soundtracked perfectly.
Things can't always go right though. Queefing and limp dicks are acts of god, but accidentally whacking 'Fuck Her Gently' into the fray? Unforgivable. Nothing says game over quicker than Jack Black crooning sex advice. Even if it's supposed to be a joke, don't do it ? your nethers will forgive you. Of course, Mr. Black isn't the only offender. It's easy to pick out the obvious numbers to avoid ? anything Rod Stewart, 'Dick In A Box', the Schindler's List OST ? but every now and then something will creep through masquerading as sonic lust. Here's a quick rundown of tracks that will help you never get laid: the least sexy 'sexy' songs.
Meek Mill's 'Face Down' starts innocuously enough. There's siren synths, deep, booming rhythms. There's a definite groove and it's dangerously sexy. But then the rapping starts. Featuring such classics as "I got that deep-up-in-yo-gut dick" - "I need my nuts licked" and "My dick's so swolled up/ deep throat/ throw up," Mill is whipping out all his best lines. Now, obviously kicking back and studying the lyrics isn't really the point of a playlist that sets the mood, but if you manage to catch a snippet of what Mill & Co. are rapping about, it'll get real awkward real fast.
This might be a controversial choice, but 'Closer' by Nine Inch Nails is painfully unsexy. The industrial-rock anthem is mechanical, almost clinical, and to top it off, it's so unavoidably graphic, wholly creepy and much, much too determined. If someone told you they wanted to 'fuck you like an animal', would you drop your keks and leap into the sack? No, you'd call the blimmin' police. Also, "I want to feel you from the inside," from the lips of a snarling Reznor, is less Don Lothario and more serial killer.
But it's not always about the hard'n'fast. Sometimes tender love-making is on the cards. Maybe Steven Tyler warbling 'Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' is a bit too heavy-handed, so why not listen to Sting belt out his love-riddled tunes? The Police are staples of classic rock, but their 1983 hit 'Every Breath You Take' is far from romantic. If it sounds a bit stalkery, that's because it totally is. In an interview with NME Sting stated: "I think it's a nasty little song, really rather evil. It's about jealousy and surveillance and ownership." So remember, if you're doin' it to this song: Sting is watching you.
The titans of pop don't get off scot-free. Lady Gaga and her disco stick ('Lovegame'), Katy Perry's voyeuristic intentions on 'Peacock' are two gleaming examples of how not to be seductive. Pint-sized 'bad boy' Justin Bieber takes the crown though, perhaps unsurprisingly, with his JT knock-off, 'Boyfriend'. Bearing in mind the paparazzi have been following him throughout his puberty, most of us probably remember him as being irritating, but mostly unoffensive; now that he's reached legal age and started on the wacky-backy he's become a dangerous presence. Grr. It's cloying, it's cringing and not at all sensual.
'Filthy/Gorgeous' was a controversial hit for Scissor Sisters almost ten years ago (what?!), and with oodles of breathy moaning from Ana Matronic, slimy electro-funk and pounding drum beats, it's basically like audio passion. Well, except for Jake Shears' shrill falsetto. If there's anything that'll see Mr. Big go to Mr. Floppy quicker than Shears' squawking "wanna open you up like Christmas," it's still a mystery to mankind.
Khia has never done much except release incredibly explicit novelty rap that would make Ron Jeremy blush. 'My Neck, My Back' is the most famous example, but there are others. If you can make it through this without squirming ? and not in the good way ? kudos to you.
R&B manages to somehow churn out mood killers, despite generally being accepted as the 'sexy' genre of music. Shaggy oozes sleaze in 'It Wasn't Me', recounting the time he got caught diddling the neighbour. It's not hot, but it is a classic. There's a time and a place for Shaggy ? the bedroom is not it (blackout drunk at a '90s party is). The less said about 'My Humps' the better. R&Bs pièce de résistance is the finger clicking, obnoxiously smooth 'Pregnant' by R-Kelly. Brimming with twinkling chimes, autotune and with lines as subtle as "Girl, I wanna get you pregnant," this is the musical equivalent of Willem Dafoe saddling up on one of the Kardashian dynasty. Family planning should dole out downloads alongside condoms to, ironically, prevent surprises.
Probably the cherry on top of this turn-off fest is 'Sir Psycho Sexy' by Red hot Chilli Peppers, a eight minute prog-funk odyssey ripping yarns of Kiedis' fantasy conquests. "I was standing there with my hard-on bleedin'" is enough to make any man wince, but his misogynist demands towards female police officers ("I said what's up/ Now suck my dick") are a highlight within the porn-groove. It's not an entirely serious attempt ? RHCP didn't take anything seriously back then, except heroin ? but still, if you're thinking of using this as an opening gambit, the very best of luck to you.
Well, now that you're all suitably put off sex for life, go and enjoy Valentine's Day. If all this oblique unhornification has done a number on your libido, here's one last little ditty to try and get you back in the mood. That dance will get your blood flowing south.